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MLB New Year’s Resolutions

We look at each MLB club’s resolutions for 2017
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Happy New Year everyone! Considering most of my social media feeds are filled with #NewYearNewMe posts, it is currently 17 degrees outside, and I drove past Progressive Field yesterday and stared longingly at it as I pretended it was already April, I figured it was the perfect time for New Year’s resolutions. Not for me, because they’re dumb, but for all 30 Major League Baseball teams instead.

(Confession: I thought I had a pretty creative idea to do this and then halfway through writing it I realized SI and Bleacher Report and a baker’s dozen of other sites already did various versions of this, so I guess I am not that original, but mine is funny…or funnier…I hope. Anyway, here goes.)

AL East

Baltimore Orioles
– We’re not going to save Zach Britton for a game or inning we don’t even get to play.

Boston Red Sox
– We promise to bring Big Papi back mid-season.

New York Yankees
– Is it too early to start the Bryce Harper recruitment tour?

Tampa Bay Rays
– Finish 29th in attendance. Small goals are easier to achieve than unrealistic ones.

Toronto Blue Jays
– Trying to focus on being more apologetic, sorry for letting EE (& probably Joey Bautista) go.

AL Central

Resolutions
The White Sox continue to trade everyone possible.

Chicago White Sox
– TRADE EVERYBODY!

Cleveland Indians
– Avoid any flying objects with sharp blades in October.

Detroit Tigers
– We want to try and beat the Indians more than once prior to the All-Star break.

Kansas City Royals
– Wear more powder blue throwback jerseys, we look good in those!

Minnesota Twins
– Does it even matter what our resolution is?

AL West

Houston Astros
– So you’re saying 1 playoff appearance every 10 years isn’t a good thing? Well, 1 more.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
– Time to work on a shorter name. Name changes make you a whole new person.

Oakland Athletics
– Convince Mark Trumbo to hang out with us.

Seattle Mariners
– Get Randy Johnson, Jay Buhner, and Ken Griffey Jr. to do a reunion wiffle ball game.

Texas Rangers
– Use our words, not our fists…even if that punk deserved it.

NL East

Atlanta Braves
– Getting a new stadium is like a fresh wardrobe, time to re-invent ourselves.

Miami Marlins
– Would it be tacky to get a second pool put in the stadium?

New York Mets
– Hey, we already brought Cespedes back, what else do we have to do?

Philadelphia Phillies
– Avoid talking about Carson Wentz while we lose 90+ games again.

Washington Nationals
– Is it too early to start the Bryce Harper pretty please pretty please pretty please stay tour?

NL Central

Chicago Cubs
– We’re still the lovable losers right? No. Okay, we will try to not make everyone hate us.

Cincinnati Reds
– At least 69 wins this year.

Milwaukee Brewers
– I know the word “brew” is in our name, but we promise to stop batting like we’re drunk.

Pittsburgh Pirates
– No Andrew, we swear we won’t break up with you…

St. Louis Cardinals
– Two words: Wild Card(s)! WOOOOO!

NL West

Arizona Diamondbacks
– Try to not file any (more) lawsuits against the guys who own our lease…

Colorado Rockies
– Pretend to love Ian Desmond as much as we would’ve loved Mark Trumbo.

Los Angeles Dodgers
– We will be nice to Yasiel, pinky swear.

San Diego Padres
– Be the most beloved sports team (still) in San Diego!

San Francisco Giants
– I don’t know man, ask me again in September when it matters to us.

To read more of Daniel’s work, take a look at
https://danielbowerblog.wordpress.com/ and follow him on Twitter
@danielbowerJFGA 


Daniel Bower

Born, raised, and returned to Cleveland, Ohio. Constantly trying to recover from childhood heartbreak courtesy of the ’97 World Series. Daniel is a lawyer by day, sportswriter by lunch break. His goal is to write pieces that make you remember why sports matter so much to us, and if they make you laugh, cry, or both, he calls it a success.

Daniel Bower

Born, raised, and returned to Cleveland, Ohio. Constantly trying to recover from childhood heartbreak courtesy of the ’97 World Series. Daniel is a lawyer by day, sportswriter by lunch break. His goal is to write pieces that make you remember why sports matter so much to us, and if they make you laugh, cry, or both, he calls it a success.

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